I visited a long stretch of empty beach along Lake Erie last September on the Tuesday following Labor Day. It was a cloudless 80-degree day: blue skies, blue water, and not a single soul in sight. Absolutely perfect. I set up my beach chair and umbrella, then took a dip in the water. While I was swimming, a woman strolled onto the beach and set up—guess where? Yes, about three feet away from my chair! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
When I was finished swimming, I walked back in, picked up my chair and umbrella and moved about 50 yards down the beach. Encounters with ill-mannered beachgoers like this one has motivated me to come up with a list of top ten tips in the delicate art of “Beach Etiquette”. Here we go:

1) Spread out. When setting up on an uncrowded beach, allow plenty of personal space between you and the next group of people. If the beach happens to be crowded, be courteous. Don’t slowly fan out your junk over the course of the day and inch your chair towards others like some version of “The Blob”.

2) Don’t block others’ views. One of my biggest pet peeves is when I’m set up near the waterline and some knucklehead plunks their chair down right in front of me. I got here early and picked this spot so I could look at the water, not your bald spot. MOVE IT!

3) Radio volume: If you’re going to play a radio on the beach, keep the volume down. I heard enough REO Speedwagon during the 80s to last a lifetime.

4) Footballs, frisbees and kites: Use your head, and don’t throw a football or fly a kite on a crowded beach. Many beaches have a grassy area beyond the dunes for these activities. I actually saw a fistfight break out once because some numbskull threw a football that landed on a family’s blanket right in between a dad and his young kids (no, it wasn’t me). Use a little common sense here.

5) Beach apparel: A good rule of thumb to follow—If you don’t have a good physique, cover it up. Guys—no Speedos, please. This applies doubly if you’re over 40, overweight, or some combination thereof. Leave the Speedos back in the 80s where they belong (see REO Speedwagon).

6) Shaking out beach towels: Please refrain from shaking out a beach towel as if you’re sending up smoke signals—especially on a windy day. The people sitting downwind from you may not enjoy eating a sand sandwich. Show a little courtesy.

7) Building sand castles: If you should see a middle-aged man actively building a sand castle along the waterline, don’t judge him (Okay, this one is me). Sometimes I think the only reason I had kids was so that I could still build sand castles without looking absolutely ridiculous.

8) Feeding of seagulls: Please don’t throw Doritos to seagulls on a crowded beach. Believe it or not, some people don’t appreciate the noise, commotion and bird droppings associated with this activity. If you’re going to feed the gulls, wait until after 5 pm or so, when most sunbathers have left for the day.

9) Voice levels: Voices tend to carry much farther on a beach. Stop yelling at your kids and across the beach to one another (inside voice!). Some people are trying to sleep, read or relax.

10) Relax! Stop griping about your job, your kids, and the price of rice while you’re at the beach. Chill mon! Peace out.